Product: Banquet Turkey Meal

Banquet Turkey Meal
purchased at: Kroger
price: $1.00
net weight: 2.95 ounces
Calories: 230
daily price: $8.70

story: Myself being a fan of both things turkey and cheap, I saw this little item selling for a dollar and knew I had to try it. It certainly looks harmless enough, a couple slabs of turkey breast with some stuffing, mashed potatoes and peas. All things I enjoy eating under normal circumstances, unfortunately vacuum sealed and factory packaged isn't what I consider normal circumstances.

Now, I'm a veteran of TV Dinners, as a matter of fact I consider myself "a big fan." But this abomination of mankind had my stomach churning before I even removed the plastic wrap from the mashed potatoes section. The portions of the two side dishes are tiny, a couple spoonfuls at the most. The two slabs of meat in my dinner had an odd green tinge to them as well, but like a trooper I went ahead and followed the heating instructions. I had to go through the process twice because my microwave is ancient and doesn't have a carousel. So after I got as much of the meal at least lukewarm as possible, I sat down to enjoy my meal.

judgement: I started with the potatoes. They had the consistency of instant grits (for those of you that have never had grits that would make them very soupy and grainy) I like mashed potatoes that I have to mash around with my tongue before swallowing, these I could just drink if I had no spoon handy. From there I moved onto the stuffing, this was the best part of the meal. They had some real flavor to them and tasted just like stuffing should, so that was all well and good. I then devoured the peas that were surprisingly crisp and tasty. Finally, it was time to tackle the turkey. I sliced one of the slabs in half with the side of my fork like a real man and shoved a portion in my mouth. I gave it a good chew and really tried to absorb the flavor...only problem was, there was no flavor to speak of. These meat slabs were just bland and gross. If it wasn't for the fact that they were so soft and easily swallowed I might have just thrown the damn thing out right then and there. Luckily, as I write this review a day later I'm not experiencing any bowel obstruction or other form of discomfort, so I can only assume this meat wasn't tainted like I initially suspected...thank god.

bottom line: as the saying goes "You get what you pay for", but from experience I have gotten way more satisfying dishes for a dollar and sometimes less, so I'd suggest steering clear of this one...unless you don't have taste buds, in which case the different textures will entertain your tasteless tongue for the approximate 3.25 minutes it takes to eat this tiny "meal"

product: Castleton Beef Enchilada & Tamale Meal

Castleton Beef Enchilada & Tamale Meal
purchased at: aldi's
price: 89 cents
net weight: 11 oz
calories: 390
daily price: $4.56


story: let me start out by saying that i love mexican food. let me also add that i know almost nothing about mexican food. most of my knowledge comes from taco bell, and that isn't necessarily even "mexican food". i mention this because this meal is called "beef enchilada & tamale meal". please note the description in the picture. i see three things in this picture: beans, rice, and two other things that function as the third part of the meal. i'll be up front and say that i have no idea what these things are. however, the remainder of the meal (excluding the rice and beans) is described as "chili sauce with beef, beef enchilada and tamale". first, the chili sauce contains zero visible beef. second, from what i can discern, the two oblong things are called two different things. i don't know what an "enchilada" or a "tamale" is, but according to this box and the good people at castleton foods, they're the exact same thing. i'm not mexican, but i'm assuming that this is somewhat offensive. it's probably tantamount to a frozen dinner containing two calzones being called "calzone & pizza meal with savory meat sauce (with zero visible meat)". but whatever, i'm ignorant here, and neither dictionary.com nor wikipedia cleared anything up. so fine, they're both tamales.

judgement: the first thing you should know about me is that my palette is not very discriminating. basically, if it's cheap and somewhat filling, i'll like it.
anyway, i started with the rice. even though i could physically see and touch the little pieces of flavoring that make this rice indeed "mexican style", if you were to feed me solid, rice-shaped and somehow warm pellets of water, i'm not sure that if blindfolded, i'd be able to tell the difference between them and this rice.
on to the beans. i generally do not like my refried beans to have the consistency of a non-creamed soup, but taste-wise, the beans weren't bad.
after the beans, i moved on to the main course: the enchales (i'm so clever). there was absolutely no difference in taste between the two things, further supporting my theory that castleton foods knows about as much of mexican cuisine as i do. further, they're pretty sure that america knows nothing about it, either. and i'm assuming they're right; after tacos and nachos, everything kind of blends together for us. enchiladas? tamales? enchritos? burritos? as far as castleton and most of america is concerned, they're all the same thing. and when covered with a bounty of meat-heavy "chili sauce", they're sure as hell going to all taste the same: OK. i was not floored with these things, but they weren't off-putting.

bottom line: considering the price, i'm willing to overlook the gritty sand-like substance that was left in my mouth after eating the tamaladas and give this meal my seal of approval.

next time: Asia Specialities Chicken Potstickers